how to get laid fast

How the Ugly Man's Guide Came To Be....


I remember it like it was yesterday...

It was a Saturday night and George, Bruce, Marcus, and myself were getting all dolled up for a huge night on the town. The smell of Polo cologne, cheap Suave hair mousse, and testosterone stunk up the air like a post-game football locker room.

We were sucking down a couple of Labatt brews, watching the Michigan Wolverines trounce Purdue (college football) and hoping and praying like hell to have our way with the hot ladies at Campbell Street Station - a kick-ass local drink and dance club just over the border in beautiful Sarnia, Ontario.

We were pumped! Granted, our luck with the ladies was not that great lately. In fact, it sucked! Truth is, the closest any of us had gotten to getting laid in the last six months was Marcus's sad attempt to score at his brother's wedding with the maid of honor...and she was married! It was hilarious...and pathetic!

But we were guys! What the hell do we know, right?

My fourth and newest roomate was this character named Darcy. (We rented the second floor of an old Victorian House - tight on space but the rent was super!) He was a quiet guy, pudgy, a bit geeky, with a bald head and a nose too big for his face. Overall, a pretty cool dude.

About two weeks ago he broke up with a hot number named Samantha that any of us would have donated a kidney to have sex with! We thought it was just dumb-ass luck that Darcy could get a gorgeous doll like Samantha but, as you'll see, dumb-ass luck has nothing to do it!

Anyhow, here's Darcy sitting on our only recliner, legs hanging over the armrest, with one eye reading some fat new book on the Lord Of The Rings or whatever and with the other eye, watching us four smucks getting pretty for the ladies.

And the son-of-a-bitch was laughing at us!

No shit.

"What's so damn funny, Darc?" Bruce asked.(Darc was our nickname for him - a blend between Darcy and Dork)

"Just watching the show." Darcy answered. "You guys go through this kinda f**ked-up ritual thing every weekend but, come on, when is the last time any of you have gotten laid?"

The four of us just looked at other. Yeah, it was a bit embarrassing.

"At least we're f**kin trying! You just dumped a fine piece of ass so you'll be looking again soon." Marcus squealed like a little girl.

"Heh, I'm enjoying the peace. When I'm ready for another babe, I'll go out and get one." Darcy went back to his book.

"Just like that, you think you can go out a get another babe like Samantha? Bullshit!" Marcus was revved up like an Italian weed-wacker on crack!

"Look, I don't know, picking up chicks just ain't that difficult. What's the big deal?" Darcy tried to get back to his book.

Now it was my turn. The bullshit had gone too far. I was calling Darcy's bluff!

Come on, Darc," I said "You're telling me if you came out with us tonight you would have a babe by the end of the f**kin night. You know that's bullshit! I'll bet you rent you're full of shit." (I figured this was an easy hundred bucks!)

I could see Darcy thinking about it. He had a truckload of student loans and little cash. (He was shooting for a Doctoral Degree in Behavior Analysis at WMU and that ain't cheap.)

"Loan me $20 then you will only owe me $80 when I win." Darcy said with his hand out!

"Cocky son of a bitch, heh?" I slapped two ten spots in his hand and told him to hurry the hell up and get ready. All of a sudden...,

I felt nervous about this damn bet.

We pulled into The Campbell Street Station parking lot and almost crushed an Explorer as we gawked at 3 honeys walking in the door! We squeezed in and ordered a brew and made our way through the packed bar and flopped down at a beer-soaked table in the back corner. The table was no accident it was empty!

"See ya in a few dickheads!" Darcy smiled, grabbed his beer and disappeared into the crowd.

The four of us looked at each other and laughed. Who the hell did he think he was?

Over the next hour, we sucked down about four Labatts each, shot a little pool, and continued to scan the bar for babes. The place was chocked-full of hotties! We were all packing wood!

Then it hit us, like a two-by-four right between the eyes! We couldn't believe it!

That vision still burns in my brain!

There was Darcy, sitting coolly at a choice table with three of the hottest, decked-out babes this side of Chicago! Two blonds, one brunette with breasts as large and, I bet, as sweet as ripe cantaloupe. And the kicker...

...they were hanging on him like sex-starved rock groupies!

One of the blond chicks in particular was all over him - I half expected Darcy to start banging her right there on the table! Then George said what we were all thinking...

"No freakin way is that Darcy with that smoking hot babe...Crissake, I think she's ready to suck his knob right now! Unf**king believable"

George, myself, Bruce, and Marcus just stared at each other. We were stunned! Shocked! What the hell was going on here? Did Darcy drug these chicks? Or maybe hypnotize them? Maybe he had a dick the size of a blue-ribbon cucumber? Perhaps he paid them...but the asshole had no money!

The guy was a goof! A f**kin putz! What made this bastard so damn attractive to these beautiful babes!

Story continued below...

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Needless to say, the rest of the night sucked swamp water!

Darcy did stop by our table just before closing, smacked me on the back and said he would pick up his winnings in the morning...when he got home! Then the damn freak left with those heavenly bodies following him like lost puppies!

I didn't sleep for shit that night...

The thought of Darcy popping those steaming hot chicks was frying my brain - there had to be some rational explanation for it! But what the hell was it?

It gnawed me like a rat on roadkill!

I was up early the next morning, sitting in the main room of our pad staring through the TV when Darcy blew in.

"Hey, bud, can I get that cash? Me and the girls are heading over to Big Boy." Darcy acted like this shit with 3 chicks happened all the time.

"Dude, what happened last night?" I asked as I fished through my wallet for the cash. I was short. "You gotta clue me in on your f**kin secret! I'm begging you man!" I slapped $74 in his hand.

"Sure, what the hell are roommates for? Let me get something to eat first, I'm starving. See ya in a few."

He shot out the door and I spied through the window as he jumped into a brand new black VW bug convertible. The brunette was driving and just one blond was in the back seat. Poor bastard, he lost a blond!

The other guys slowly wandered into the room and, sure as hell, the conversation was Darcy. The dumb-asses didn't know I just spoke to Darcy 10-minutes ago.

"I bet those bitches just felt sorry for him." George piped up first. "He probably slept on the couch and whacked it!"

"Probably his sisters friends. I've seen pictures of his sister. She's hot!" It was Marcus's turn.

"Maybe he knows something we don't." Bruce chimed in but felt the cold glare from the other guys. "Or maybe he has a dick the size of a bowling pin!"

We laughed our balls off on that one but the wheels were spinning a mile a minute in my brain.

I couldn't wait to corner Darcy and learn his secret!

About half-past noon Darcy strolled up the stairs and into the apartment. I was dissecting the hockey stats from the Sunday paper, trying not to look like a giddy schoolgirl waiting for my first kiss!

"What's up?" I asked. Boy, I was one cool mother-scratcher!

"Just a beautiful Sunday." Darcy tossed his jacket on the chair and dragged himself to his room. "I need a power nap. It was a long ass night!"

"What the f**k?" I thought to myself but then Darcy peaked his head outside the door.

"Give me 2 hours and then we can start your training. Get a pen, notepad, and grab George's little tape recorder. That dumb shit won't even know it's missing. We'll head down to the cafe about 3:00 or so. Sound good?"

"Perfect." I whispered trying to mask my excitement.

Story continued below...

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Darcy and I sat down in a quiet booth at the Riverside Cafe' and ordered coffee.

"What the hell happened last night?" I blurted out. I couldn't wait. "What's the secret?"

"There is no one secret, dude." Darcy smiled. "It's a combination of things. Like having a bag full of f**kin magic tricks when you need it."

"Darcy, don't take this wrong but, eh, you're not the best looking dude in the world." I was confused as hell. "How can you score with these hot chicks. Samantha was a fluke I thought but after last night, I don't know what the f**k to think?"

"Matt, we've only known each other, what, 3-4 months tops? There's a lot of shit you don't know about me. I've had a good life so far. I've learned a lot of shit." Darcy had a serious look going. "Tell me this, if I spend time with you and lay out all the shit I know about women what do you plan on doing with this information?"

"I plan on using it to get laid! That's kind of a stupid question." I said. "Look, don't worry, man, I won't tell a soul."

"No that's not my issue. In fact, just the opposite. "Darcy pinched his lip in thought. Then he looked up at me with a shit-eating grin.

"You're freaking me out." He really was. "What the f**k is on your mind?"

"I got a f**kin brainstorm going here." He pointed at his head. "Tell me what you think - you want to learn how to pick up chicks at the drop of a hat, right? I already know your answer - every guy does. And even though you won't admit it, you probably would like to learn how to bang them so they keep coming back begging for more? You want to be a f**kin stud! Am I accurate?"

I just nodded. What the hell could I say?

"Here's my plan..." Darcy looked me square in the eyes. "Over the next two weeks I'm going to teach you everything I know about picking up babes, seducing them to do whatever you want and then making them cum like a freak when you do sack them. After the classroom bullshit, we are going to hit the club scene and put your knowledge to action and get you laid, just to prove this shit works. Sound good?"

"Hell yes!" Again, what could I say?

"Here's what I need from you. I want you to take notes and record everything I tell you over the next 2 weeks, every f**king detail, and put it in a book we can sell on the Internet. Not some cheap-ass 5 or 10 page f**king report but a serious, no bullshit book that people can download, read, and then go out and get laid! I need to make some serious cash so this product has to be f**king First-Class!"

Darcy paused. "What do you think?"

I said the only thing that came to my mind....

"Darcy, I think you're a f**king genius!"

For the next two weeks, every night, from 7:30 until after midnight, I sat in awe as Darcy pounded me with knowledge that absolutely blew me away. He was programming my brain to become a damn sex machine with the babes! He hit me with revolutionary, ball-busting information that, I swear...

..could get a dead man laid!

By the end of my two-weeks of training I was a new man! I could feel it in my bones and soul and it felt pretty damn awesome! For the first time in my sad life, I knew exactly what women wanted, how to get them, and how to satisfy the living hell out of them! That just pumped me with nut-busting confidence!

Now, about that week after my training... I'm not going to bullshit you and say I got laid every night after my training. Nope, didn't happen.

But I did get laid 6 days after the training applying Darcy's brilliant advice and again on Day 13. Then I caught on fire! I had that 'kid-in-a-candy-shop, bang-every-chick-in-site' mentality. I was on a flippin roll! Not to sound like a cock, but I actually lost count of how many women I sacked! I was out of control.

But I've mellowed and I'm glad I did. Now, believe this shit or not, I enjoy the 'quality' of the women I'm with more than the 'quantity'. I'm betting you will feel the same way too, after a few months of getting crazy and 'sowing your wild oats'!

But here's why I tell you about my recent history, the same hard-ass, dick-popping, beaver-busting information Darcy stuffed in my brain I stuffed into the digital pages of The Ugly Man's Guide! I left nothing out. Do not wait on this...

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